I am lucky enough to have the greatest support system behind me and like someone had said, it shows the kind of person I am to have so many people care for my well-being. I am also lucky enough to have been introduced to this post from This American Girl by Emily and it gave me the last push I needed in order to comfortably move on from this situation. By no means am I happy with the outcome of my situation, if I could see this any differently, I surely would, but there is "no use crying over spilled milk" and it is time to let go.
I have come to the conclusion that has helped me move on.. I did nothing wrong. I gave everything of my being to be the person I am and to make him happy. If this was not good enough, I wish him well on his journey in life and I hope one day he finds what he is looking for. As for myself, I know that I am a determined person and loving in all ways, I am here for when the person I am meant to be with comes along.. and if it is him in the future again, I will be here with open arms.
This American Girl post has really made me see a better light.
Step 1: Breathe.
Like she says, it sounds so simple but in the moments when I would sob until my insides hurt, breathing was what helped bring me back to reality. When I sat at work and almost broke down, my friend John would calm me down and tell me to take deep breathes and I would, then I would stop the anxiety. Taking a deep breathe has cleared my head more than once and it really is so simple.
Step 2: Distance.
This is the hardest part. To want to look at my phone and call, to not talk to someone I have talked to everyday for the last 2.5 years, oh how it hurts. But this is the best thing. I have found that not speaking has made my heart feel better because although I still care, I won't let myself continue to be sad. Distance will make this better. Distance from talking, seeing, being with each other.
She says "the more distance you create, the more room you have to fill with things you want now, for yourself." It couldn't be more true. And eventually this distance will take me to the other side of the country and I will be in an even better place for myself.
Step 3: Fill the hole with good things that make you feel fulfilled.
I have found things to nourish me and my life. My friends, my coworkers, baking, school, Fifa.. it helps so much.
Step 4: Settle into your discomfort.
This was not easy. It's still not easy. There are moments at home alone I feel like breaking down and then I breathe and say to myself you did nothing wrong, stop beating yourself up. I take a moment to compose myself then I occupy my time.
Step 5: Be in the present.
Feel happy. Check.
Step 6: Free yourself from the story of your past relationship.
She says it perfectly. It's time to stop reliving that story and create a new one.
Step 7: Alone.
Being in my house all alone has made this step move faster. There are moments when I need friends to keep me company and moments I blast my music and play with the dog and I am completely fine. I love myself enough to know that I will not be alone forever and I am okay. I am stronger than this. Being alone is not the end of the world.
Step 8: Let it go.
Goodbye. To the person I thought completed me. To the person I will always love and appreciate for all of the things he brought into my life. For changing my life and opening my eyes to a new perspective of food, travel, and life in general. You were the greatest gift I could have ever asked for to change my life and you made me grow. Grow into the person I love. You showed me that not every experience is bad and that someone could treat me well. I say goodbye to you, whether you read this or not, I love you and this is goodbye. Goodbye to our past and maybe one day in the future a new hello.
Let. it. go.
Step 9 & 10: Believe and start to love again.
Now there is no way I will be ready for love again right now, but I know one day it will find me. It will bring me a person who loves all of me, someone I do not have to convince, someone who can appreciate all of my quirkiness. Someone who will smile at me because he loves me as much as I love him. One day I will find the person who wants nothing more than to have a future with me.
Here's to looking ahead. Here's to looking at the future and accomplishing every goal I have set for myself.
Hello 2013, I am ready for you.